I have been on a wild ride of self healing and for lack of better words my own enlightenment. I have – within the last year of finding your show – quit hard opiates successfully even though my mother began feeding me Vicodin and Xanax at age 11, severed the sick parasitic relationship I had with her, re-stabilized my marriage that was falling apart from my lies over drugs.
Our finances are now stabilizing after me funneling my husband’s hard-earned money to drug dealers before I got sober. I had a heart to heart with my dad, came clean about my drug use and about why everything fell apart with their divorce and my mother’s constant affairs, how I felt and what would be needed to make amends and all that is happening!
I moved into a beautiful duplex after living in the ghetto in a gross town-house, got my son in a charter school rather than public school by moving where we did in this new city.
My husband’s life has changed immensely even though he has never been a listener, my changes have changed him in so many beautiful juicy wonderful ways!
I have a 1 & 1/2 yr old boy with my husband who is THRIVING with me staying home and the fact that I nursed him for 18 months as per your classic recommendation.
You have helped to change my life in countless other ways – along with other teachers I have resonated with – and my heart is starting to open again for the first time since I was a little girl. I have attached a pic of my beautiful family. My 10 yr old was conceived when I was 18 with my high school long term boyfriend who was a serial cheater.
We got married 8 days before we had my son because I wanted to do the right thing and I thought my ex could change. When my son was a baby (6 months old) we lived with my sister and her son she was a single mom and wanted to help our lil family get on our feet. She had a party one night and her friend I had known since childhood was flirting with my ex all night they were all intoxicated while I was sick in bed with my period and the baby.
I got up at 4am to make the baby a bottle and noticed my ex hadn’t come to bed (I sobbed myself to sleep that night).
I walked to the kitchen to make the bottle, and to my left I see in the dark silhouettes of someone having sex from what it looked like. I stepped a lil closer and saw my husband’s tattoos on his back as he was having sex with my sister’s childhood friend. I had the baby in my arms and literally had to walk over and kick him to get him off her.
It was so traumatic – I saw him pull out. I don’t know how I made it through that without getting violent. I just took my baby outside with me and screamed and howled the most intense pained sound. My mom lived across the street and heard me. Everyone in my house was so intoxicated on alcohol and Xanax I couldn’t get anyone to care or wake up.
It was a living nightmare – my sister didn’t wake up til about 10am that day. My ex didn’t care about what he did he was drunk and asked the woman if he could go to her place so “he could get the f*** away from this crazy b****.”
That was in 2009. I have taken care of my 10 year old through every struggle. We can discuss the in-between time if you choose to talk to me. My biggest concern now is that I almost have started feeling blocked from receiving and giving love to my son now that he is growing and looks so similar to his father. God – even saying that makes me feel so horrible he deserves me to pour love into him he needs it after everything we’ve gone through. I do show my love through everything I do and I know my love for him is evident through my actions but what i am talking about is that energy exchange that heart to heart feeling of connection I once had and still feel with the baby. Please help me and my son Stefan.
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